What do you mean always?
by nelope34
Summary: Castle is jealous and insecure and there is tension caused by the fact the Beckett doesn't feel Castle trusts her and the fact that they have never discussed where their relationship is headed.


**I was recently watching episode 5x21- The Squab and the Quail. Short recap- Castle was distracted by a video game when Beckett tries to seduce him. She think he is taking her for granted and states that it wasn't that long ago that she would have his immediate and full attention while dressed as she was. Beckett ends up protecting a rich, handsome entrepreneur with a sexy British accent and an obvious thing for Beckett. Castle is jealous and insecure and there is a bit of tension caused by the fact that Beckett doesn't feel Castle trusts her and the fact that they have never had a discussion about their relationship or where it's headed. What if Castle couldn't stand to leave Beckett and Vaughn alone together and it leads to a fight that may be their last? And why hasn't Castle had that talk with the woman he has been pining for? It was written in a couple hours and I have no beta so sorry in advance for typos.**

Castle tries getting the boys to help him solve the case as quickly as possible but he just can't stop picturing Beckett alone with that man. It isn't that he doesn't trust Beckett but he knows that he HAD gotten comfortable in their relationship and hadn't been focusing on them as much as he could have recently. He promised himself before they were together that he would spend the rest of his life proving to that woman how incredible she was and how very much he loved her but he also didn't want to push her too hard. He was ready to marry her but she had only recently let those impenetrable walls down and wasn't at all interested in pushing her too hard and then being forced to watch them slam back up. Beckett had been hurt and abandoned and Castle knew that the fear of it happening again was not so easily squelched. He let them get a little too comfortable in the beginning stage of their relationship and now he feared he had lost track of where they were and the fact that they weren't moving forward at all. He quickly decided that he needed to see her and made an excuse to the boys that he had a revelation about the case that he needed to tell Beckett about.

He made his was way to the fancy hotel that Eric Vaughn insisted Beckett protect him in. Castle released a deep growl at the thought of THAT man trying to make a move on Beckett. It was obvious that this man was attracted to her; what man WASN'T? But he was too charming and handsome to be trusted. His motives were obviously to get Beckett alone and to impress her with his money and Castle hated that he Beckett's relationship had hit a snag the SAME day that Vaughn waltzed into their lives.

Kate looked out at the beautiful lights of the city and thought about Castle. They weren't moving forward like she thought they both wanted to. She loves Castle so much and knew he was her one-and-done but why was HE holding back. Kate was perceptive, she could FEEL his hesitation and didn't understand how the man who had been chasing her for years could suddenly be ok with a stagnant relationship; wasn't he supposed to be madly in love with her!? She thought then about Vaughn and how jealous Castle was of this arrangement. Didn't he know it would always be him? Sure Eric Vaughn was on the top of a lot of woman's lists and that those women would kill to be in her situation but Kate had all she wanted and this man was no Richard Castle. Vaughn was doing his best to be charming and she was swooning a little at first but she didn't appreciate his attentions or the way he threw around his money. Castle could throw money around too but he had never relied on swooning her with his wealth. He bought that fancy coffee machine for the 12th but it was out of a desire to treat them and do something incredibly sweet, not just to show off being rich. This fancy hotel room was solely because Vaughn wanted Beckett to KNOW the kind of money and life he had, which is why he would take no one else to protect him.

The knock on the door surprised her and she grabbed her gun before making her way to the door. She looked at Vaughn to see if this was another "room service" incident but he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. Kate looked through the peep hole and rolled her eyes at the site of the man on the other side of the door... She should have known...

She let Castle immediately fixed him with a pointed stare. Castle brushed past her and took another long look at the state of the hotel room. At that moment Kate wasn't thinking about how sweet and generous he was, all she could think about was how little faith he had in her. Anger flared up in her as she looked at the man who was supposed to trust her as much as she did him. Kate grabbed Castle by the collar, made an apology to Vaughn, and pulled Castle into the other room, shutting the door behind her.

"Castle, what the hell? I thought you weren't going to make this harder then it has to be?" Beckett's hands were on her hips as her eyes stared hard into his.

Castle stiffened at her rough accusatory tone. His intention was simply to see her, he missed the easy relationship they enjoyed just yesterday. Her tone and posture hurt him deeply, she doesn't want him here. "Well maybe I found a break in the case? Why am I interrupting your nice evening with Vaughn?"

Kate rolled her eyes, "Castle seriously? You're checking up on me! You really don't trust me do you? Look do us both a favor and go work on the case with the boys!" Kate hadn't meant to bring their relationship up now but the words started moving out of her mouth encouraged by her annoyance at this whole situation, "Before Vaughn you never even wanted to talk about where this thing between us is headed but with a little competition you act like I'm a cheating wife! If you want us together so badly why have you never said it?"

Castle understood that they hadn't been moving forward and that it was obviously frustrating her but he couldn't stand her blaming him alone for not making intentions clear. He felt that his intentions with her had always been clear, that was his words for her after all. " Kate how can you say that? How can you question that. For years before I told you I loved you I said ALWAYS. You thanked me for being there and I said 'always'. You said we made good partners and I told you 'always'. It isn't just a word to me Kate. I meant it every time. It has been my promise and my question all these years. I promised I would be there and waited for you to say that you would be there too." His eyes were misting as his passion for her cause his voice to rise, "THAT is were I want us to be headed! Toward always! I just didn't want to push you so hard that you ran! I thought we both understood what that word meant but I guess for you it wasn't a promise. I guess you never meant it like I thought you did..."

Castle's voice trailed off toward the end as Kate want pain sink into his core. It began radiating for every part of him and she realized how blind she had been. How had she missed that part? She was waiting on one conversation but they had been having it for years. She DID mean 'always' when she said it and in that moment realized that her hesitance to give into her feelings for him were what was holding him back from pushing for their always. She had no words for the way her heart was breaking both for herself but more importantly for the pain she had caused HIM. All she could do was shake her head but realized too late that he had taken her lack of protest as a confirmation of his fear that she had never meant to promise her future to him when she had uttered their word.

Castle couldn't handle the ache in his chest anymore. She didn't know that that was the promise. She hadn't been seeing their future like he had. His moves to turn and leave the room and eventually the hotel were quick and he didn't look back. He needed time to think, to be able to calm himself and see past his hurt long enough to actually talk to her again.

Kate called out to him. She was almost out of the door to the hotel room when she realized that she couldn't leave. She needed to protect Vaughn, she had promised to keep him safe. She and Castle would be better off having this conversation without this arrangement looming over their heads anyway. She called him to tell him that they needed to talk but ended up just telling his answering machine. She didn't blame him for needing a bit of time.

Hours later, after a long awkward 2hrs of discussing motive with Vaughn, Kate decided to check in with the boys. She wasn't rude to Vaughn but she also didn't have the energy for the light conversations they had earlier in the day. Javi answered on the second ring.

"Hey Beckett, how's the love nest?" She knew he was kidding but she wasn't in the mood.

"Not now. What have you found? Did Castle's lead pan out?"

Esposito scoffed, "What do mean did it pay off? He wouldn't tell us nobody's what it was, said he was going to go tell his partner." Kate let Espo's words sink in. He must have gone home because he was too upset. That wasn't like Castle though. He hinted he had a lead and usually no matter how upset he is he makes sure some one follows it. Maybe he really was just checking up on her. She didn't care, she wasn't mad that he didn't trust her, she just wanted the case over with so they could fix what had gone so very wrong. He needed to know that she wanted him forever too.

She ended the conversation with Javi and tried Castle's cell a couple of times before deciding to call the loft and have Martha or Alexis get her message to him instead. Maybe they could even coax him into talking to her himself.

Kate felt sick as she hung up the phone. No one had heard from Castle for hours and he wasn't picking up any calls. He would never shut his phone off and risk missing a call from Alexis or his mother no matter how upset he was with her. Her gut had never been wrong and now it was screaming that he had gotten himself into trouble. He was probably out somewhere trying to solve the damn case! Kate didn't care about what Vaughn wanted or what her captain would say, she called a couple unis to come protect Vaughn and as soon as they arrived she left. Not even pausing at his protests.

Castle was moving as quickly as he could out of the hotel. He had Recovered from the initial shock of his hurt as the hotel elevator descended. He also found a good deal of determination. He would go back to the precinct, solve this case, and then once Vaughn was out of their lives he and Beckett were going have a nice long chat. He didn't care how hard he had to fight, he had just gotten a taste of how sweet life with her was and he wasn't going to give up on what they had. His brain was occupied with thoughts of Beckett but his eyes were still scanning his surroundings and they honed in on the man in the maroon cap entering the building across the street from the hotel, a suspicious case in his hands. The building the suspect entered looked right at the room Vaughn and Beckett were in and Castle knew he came to finish Vaughn once and for all.

Castle quickly crossed the street and entered the building. He was so concerned with loosing the suspect that he hadn't been careful in his pursuit. The lobby was dark and he quickly established that this was an office building and everyone had gone home for the day. A perfect place for a sniper to shoot from. Castle thought that the stairs were the likely rout of the suspect and never saw the fire extinguisher that was coming for his head as he opened the door.

Castle woke to a sharp throbbing in his head. He squinted in the dark racking his brain to remember what had happened. He put together where he was but was shocked when his eyes met those of a petite woman. Where had she come from.

The woman had dark black hair and bright blue eyes that tried to look unaffected to hide the fear simmering beneath. She forced a smile and tried to joke, "this is what I get for working late? Not worth it!" Castle noticed that she was shaking and tried for a reassuring smile.

"Where is he?"

"The next room, or at least he was, it's quiet now. He had been moving furniture and shuffling around. I thought I was alone so when I heard noises I came out to see who was here. He pointed a rifle at me and told me to come in here and not to even think about leaving or I would be dead. I didn't think he would do it..." That's when Castle noticed the red blooming on her shirt. She had been shot. Her face was pale and he could tell she was afraid but that shock had numbed her senses. He knew it wouldn't be long before everything set in and this woman could no longer hold herself together. "I thought you were dead. And he must have too because he said our bodies wouldn't be found till morning."

Castle reached to the door and quietly tried the knob. It wasn't locked, this guy really had thought they were dead. He listened for a moment before slowly opening the door and moving into the other room. He looked through the open window and saw the street filled with flashing lights. Kate. Castle panicked. He had woken too late! He had to get to Kate and see if she was ok. He moved back to the room to see the woman slumped down where she had been sitting. The blood had soaked her shirt. Castle moved quickly to pick up the unconscious woman and noticed a twinge at his side. He moved his jacket aside and saw a red stain growing on the side of his short as well. Realization set in the he too had been shot. The pain came quickly after that. Castle staggered and almost collapsed as he held his side. How had he not felt that? He must have been in shock too.

Castle took a few slow deep breaths and steadied himself. They had to get out. Help was just down stairs. He slowly picked up the small woman but she didn't feel small as he tried to move through the building. She felt like she weighed 600 pounds. Castle managed to stagger down the stairs and out on to the street. His eyes immediately looked to the long brown hair across the street.

"K..k..Kate!" Castle stared at her back for a moment. Not registering anything else around him as people at the scene noticed his presence. He tried again to call to her. He managed to make out the sounds of her name again and saw her beginning to turn as someone ran up to him and began taking the woman from his arms. He looked to the paramedic as he lowered the woman to a stretcher. He must have looked pretty bad himself because another paramedic tried to take a look at him but he pushed her away and claimed he was fine, he had to talk to Kate. He looked back to where he had seen her only to meet her eyes and she quickly came toward him with a relieved smile on her face. He saw her smile disappear as he felt himself moving toward the pavement. No! Had had to apologize for yelling, for not telling her how much he wanted to marry her, how much he loved and wanted to be with her. She moved to take up the space right above him. He couldn't hear her though he saw her lips moving, saying something. Slowly she faded black.

Kate had returned to the precinct to try to figure out what might have sparked an idea that Castle may have followed. She and the boys had just begun working when a report was called that a sniper had had tried to kill Vaughn. One of the unis had seen a flash of movement across the street and pushed him out of the way just in time. Reluctantly Kate went back to the hotel with the boys. She wanted to stay and look over the murder board for what Castle was thinking before he came to her but she had another gut feeling that this wasn't where she would find her answers. They had just pulled up outside the hotel and were getting the run down when she heard commotion behind her. She immediately turned to see his face. Relief surged through her and she smiled and began to move toward him.

She noticed his pale face and her smile began to falter. Her expression turned to one of fear as he stumbled and fell onto the street. She moved to hover over his face as soon as she reached him. Kate wasn't even sure what words were coming out of her mouth. All her brain could register was paralyzing fear.

Pain. All he could feel was pain. In his head. In his side. Slowly Castle opened his eyes to the blindingly bright light around him. His brain immediately jumped to the word "hospital". His right hand felt warm and he looked down to see another hand. Her hand. He followed her arm up to her face and was greeted with a small smile.

"Welcome back! You had us worried. The doctor said you lost a lot of blood. Your concussion isn't too bad but it probably will hurt for a while. You needed rest and lots of pain meds so you were out for a while." She tried to maintain her smile as she babbled about what the doctors kept telling her every time she tracked them down to ask why he wasn't awake yet but her voice broke and she was crying by the end. "Sorry... I'm so sorry." She mumbled the words as she broke into a sob.

"No... Kate I'm sorry. Never told you. Made you think... Made you think I didn't care... Should have said the words." His head was pounding and causing his usually eloquent speech to come out jumbled and vague.

Kate smiled and pressed her fingers to his lips gently. "Hey I know I have putting you off for so many years that it must be hard for you to know when to push and when to give me space. I should have told you I was ready to move forward, that I wanted more." Her breath stutters as she sucked in a large lungful. "I am still looking for signs of impending doom. I'm so afraid that we will screw this up that I'm looking for issues where there aren't. You are right. We promised forever before there was ever an us. And I can assure you I mean it just as much as you do! I want always with you Castle I don't want walls and one foot out the door when it comes to us. I'm sorry I panicked and doubted your commitment. I'm so sorry Castle!"

He thought about not telling her yet. About waiting until he was out of the hospital and could plan something romantic but he just wanted her to know. "I have a ring. I almost took it back a hundred times. I kept wanting to give you enough space to trust us and I think I just got used to us staying in one place. I love you Kate. Always!"

Tears were rolling down Kate's face as she listened to his doubts. They had both let their doubts divide them. "Castle! I love you too! Always!" Her voice broke and it took her a second to regain her composure. "I want to marry you but let's get this behind us. Let's talk through all this when you are better and then we can move forward."

"We can do it you know?" His voice was pleading but earnest. "We can have a happy ending. We can work through our doubts and arguments. We can do it together."

Kate smiled and nodded. "I know. Always."

Castle was content that she believed him and relished in her warmth when she bent and put her head on his shoulder. Everything had turned upside-down and they found each other again in the end. And for that he would be forever grateful. Again he promised himself that he would spend the rest of his life proving to her that he was extraordinary and that he never wanted to live without her.


End file.
